The key ingredient that's often lacking in parent-teen relationships... boundaries.
The Cherish Parenting Newsletter Issue #22
Hello there! We’re back after taking a short break to transition into summer.
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📝 Editor’s Note
The first time I spoke to my parents about boundaries, I was told it's "not a real thing". In my Asian immigrant family, "boundaries" was an empty word; we were expected to carry all our burdens together. While that "together no matter what" mentality can be a defining trait in many people's concept of family, that lack of boundaries can also lead to dysfunction.
I grew up afraid of saying "no" because I worried what the repercussions might be – shame, guilt, cold shoulders – so I often agreed to things even when I didn't want to. After all, I learned from my father's behaviors that stretching myself impossibly thin to meet the needs of others was a sign of love.
In particular, I think of the time my father got on a 6-hour flight immediately after a 14-hour trans-pacific flight to spend half a day with me. We had originally made plans to meet in New York when my father was meant to be in the area for work, but when his flight changed to LA, he still wanted to keep his word. He followed through by booking a red eye to New York, and I picked him up at the airport early in the morning. I didn't tell him I was exhausted from finals and a weekend of job recruiting activities, nor did I tell him that I was skipping the first day of orientation for a program I had just been accepted into in order to spend the morning with him. How could I, when he'd just flew 20 hours to see me for breakfast? We "zombied" through the city trying to have a good time.
If either of us had been better with boundaries, one of us might have said, "I was so looking forward to spending time together. But given the schedule changes and new obligations, I don't think it makes sense. I'm bummed, but I can't wait to see you at home for the holidays." I imagine we both would've felt loved, understood, and sane.
🤔 Okay, but what are boundaries anyway?
Boundaries are limits we set to protect our time, energy, and emotional + physical wellbeing. Boundaries also help us draw an imaginary line that separates me from you. Without boundaries, we may end up enmeshed and focused on meeting other people's expectations rather than being ourselves. When we're in a state of enmeshment, we may not recognize our own right to decide for ourselves. So if you're feeling frustrated that you have no choice but to put up with something, it's worth questioning where you might be able to enforce stronger boundaries.
Some examples of boundaries include not wanting to be shouted at and not waiting for someone who is perpetually tardy. Common ways parents blur boundaries with their teens include:
Letting their teen be the center of their focus at all times
Doing for them what they can (or should) do for themselves
Feeling as if their achievements and failures are yours
Invalidating their experience. e.g., "I don't like violin lessons, I want to quit" "You don't know that! You just started. It'll be good for you."
Forcing them to be responsible for someone else's feelings and experience. e.g., "Stop making your dad angry! Go apologize to him or you're grounded."
In these examples, the parent often assumes responsibility for their teen's actions and experiences as if their teen's life is their own. When we're clear what feelings, thoughts and responsibilities are theirs versus ours, we're better able to stick to what we can control: ourselves!
Ultimately, having clear boundaries strengthens your relationship by making expectations clear and leaving more space for each of you to show up authentically without resentment, overexertion, and fear.
🙄 How does this help my teen?
When you communicate what you are willing and unwilling to do, it not only helps your teen understand how to interact with you, it also helps them see they have the same freedom to set boundaries. Otherwise, when stuck in patterns of enmeshment where they feel responsible for someone else, they may violate their own needs to satisfy others (or worry you will abandon your own needs when they need your help). In the best case, a lack of boundaries breeds dissatisfaction, but in the worst case, it can lead to dangerous outcomes like staying in abusive partnerships.
🧪 So, how can I practice clearer boundary setting?
Self reflect on your relationship with boundaries: When you think of setting boundaries, what feelings come up? Where does that come from? What experiences have you had with others setting boundaries with you?
Consider the positives of setting healthy boundaries: Taking the self awareness from part 1, consider a reframe of what moving towards healthier boundaries could do for you and your family. If you're someone who struggles to uphold boundaries, what would life be like if you were to better protect your energy and wellbeing? If, on the other hand, you're someone who is rigid with boundaries, what is the underlying need of that boundary? And what benefits might there be in finding a more flexible way to express that need?
Find a place to start: Considering your relationship with your teen, what's one place you'd like to uphold stronger boundaries? Reflect on what the core need or value that's being violated might be: Is their behavior taking up too much of your time? Are you feeling ignored? Then, try to frame it as a boundary that's focused on your own actions and beliefs. E.g., "I won't be late for work because I value being on-time for myself. If you wake up late for school, the maximum I'm able to wait for you is 10 minutes."
Practice communicating your needs: Not everyone has the same boundaries, so it's important to communicate your boundaries and follow through with any consequences to help others understand how to interact with you. Your communication should focus on things within your control, instead of demanding others to meet your needs. For example, if you have a boundary around not being shouted at, try, "I really don't enjoy being shouted at. I want to listen to what you have to say, but I cannot when you are shouting. Can we try this again?" instead of , "You better watch your tone and respect me, I'm the parent!"
You can also communicate with your actions. If you don't feel like helping because you felt disrespected, don't force yourself to help your teen! You can say something like, "I'm still recovering from being shouted at, and I'm not feeling very generous right now, so I'm not able to drive you to the mall." Your refusal to help in this case is a clear consequence for what happens if your teen mistreats you in a way that crosses your boundaries. The caveat, here, is that you must be ready to respect your teen's boundaries as well! Everyone should be given the space to process their emotions, and act in ways that are authentic for them. So, if your practice of setting boundaries inspires them to set their own, take that as a win!
❤️ More things we Cherish
If you have 1 minute - With 1.1Bn views, the #parentsbelike hashtag on TikTok is chock-filled with funny and sometimes all-too-real depictions of teens' experiences with parents. Has this scene ever played out in your home? These videos could be light hearted ways to broach conversations with your teen about how your relationship is going from their perspective 😇
If you have 5 minutes - Have a creatively inclined teen still looking for something to do this summer? Check out these free, virtual courses hosted by the Young People’s Teen Musical Theatre Company in San Francisco on topics ranging from animation to photography. The courses start next week!
Deeper dive - We're loving this Revisionist History Podcast episode about the origins (and madness) of the US News & World college ranking system.
What do you Cherish? Share a tip, story, or question you may have around parenting teens with us by replying to this email!
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Cherish combines research and empathetic support in the form of 1:1 parent coaching, curated parent circles, and personalized content to help parents develop the skills, awareness, and community needed to parent confidently. We know being a parent can be tough - and it’s even tougher as your kids hit their teenage years. That’s why we created Cherish to support you each step of the way!
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