No one likes seeing their teen depressed... here's 3 ways to work through the discomfort
Instead of spending time hoping your teen grows out of it or trying to make them happy again, there are more empowering ways to be a part of their support system
When you start noticing your teen being more withdrawn, agitated, or sad, perhaps the question you’re trying to avoid is “Does my teen struggle with depression?” Feelings of guilt, denial, confusion, sadness, or frustration can start to arise. Depending on the household you grew up in, understanding mental health struggles can be very difficult with the stigma, denial, and fear that is still attached to it.
Whether you’ve noticed it or not, your teen looks to you to gauge how they should perceive, respond, and share about their mental health struggles. If the message they receive is that it’s a taboo topic that shouldn’t be talked about, they will subsequently start to invalidate their negative thoughts and find other outlets for these emotions.
Your teen isn’t looking to you to heal their depression. Instead, they want to feel seen and loved in the midst of their pain. This week, we want to share 3 alternative responses to the discomfort you may feel towards depression, and how you can feel more empowered to be a part of their support system.
1. Instead of...hoping your teen grows out of the depression phase
Sometimes parents mistakenly believe that teens will “grow out of” depression on their own, when that sadly isn’t true. Unfortunately, ignoring the issue or wishing it isn’t too serious won’t make the issue go away. The duration and curability of depression without treatment—can vary based on a variety of factors like the type, cause and severity. With treatment of therapy and/or medication, 80-90% of individuals reported to have noticed improvements.
Try: Leaning into the discomfort
When you decide to recognize the issue, you may feel complacent for not knowing how to help or feel afraid that you’re losing out on time to help. Although getting rid of your teen’s depression is out of your control, what is in your control is learning how to lean into the discomfort of seeing your teen in distress and working on what you can do to support them.
Leaning into the discomfort looks like:
Staying quiet when you have the urge to tell your teen to “Get over it” or “It’s not that big a deal”.
Asking your teen what is going through their head instead of avoiding the conversation
Reading more about how you can be a safe person for their vulnerable feelings
2. Instead of...telling your teen to have a more positive outlook
When you tell your teen to “look on the bright side” or how “things could be worse”, these phrases of “positive encouragement” actually send the message to deny, minimize and invalidate their emotional experience. Known as toxic positivity, the overgeneralization of having a happy, optimistic state across all situations silences the real feelings and doesn’t provide space for your teen to work through their struggles. In turn, these depressive feelings don’t go away and your teen will be left to figure out how to manage them on their own.
Try: Being present and showing intention to learn more about their experience
Sit with them and their discomfort with phrases like “It’s okay you feel this way.” or “Of course that makes you upset.” to show that you can make space for the good AND bad in their life.
Lead your conversations with curiosity about why they feel that way about a situation — “What does this mean to you?”, “How has this been affecting you?”
3. Instead of...trying to heal them from depression
When you focus all of your energy on trying to heal them (from something that is largely out of your control), it’ll take away the energy you need to build yourself up as the support figure they do need. Spending time on yourself and calming down your worries doesn’t mean you’re neglecting your teen. In fact, your teen needs you to be the full(er) cup that will pour into them when they ask for your help.
Try: Engaging in self-care practices that will benefit how you show up for your teen
Build your own support system, especially with other parents who have depressed teens (Cherish’s parent Circles are a good start ;) )
Consider speaking to a therapist who specializes in adolescent mental health care
Reflect on your boundaries for how you can care for your teen and when you need to outsource help from a therapist, school counselor, spouse or friend
Question of the Week:
For the dinner table, car ride, or whenever you get to sit down with your teen
What is something that has been difficult for you to carry in your heart lately?
Reflection of the Week:
A moment for yourself to slow down, reflect, and Cherish
What are some negative feelings that you’ve dismissed or invalidated recently? How would a good friend respond if you shared those feelings with them?
Hearing from you makes our day and helps us create ! Have a story about something we suggested and it worked (or didn’t)? Wish we shared more about something? Need clarification on a tip? We’d love to know~
About Cherish
We know being a parent can be tough - and it’s even tougher as your kids hit their teenage years. That’s why we created Cherish to support you each step of the way! Cherish combines research and empathetic support through 1:1 coaching, curated parent circles, and personalized content to help you develop the skills, awareness, and community needed to parent confidently. Ready to start your journey with us? Check out our 1:1 coaching here.
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