How you can respond to your angry teen who is actually feeling anxious
When anxiety is left ignored or unexpressed, it can turn into frustration. Instead of responding to their anger, you can choose to respond with curiosity, reflection and compassion.
Liking our March Cherish parenting tips so far? Stay tuned for our bonus issue that will include resources to dive deeper into the topics we’ve discussed this month! In the meantime, check out our February Cherish Resources on teen relationships.
“I hate you! This is the worst day ever!!” slams door
Many parents struggle with their teen’s disrespectful behaviors. As the behaviors escalate, parents often also feel riled up and want to shut down the behaviors by reminding them who is in charge. But, what if we told you that disrespectful behavior in teens can actually be a sign of anxiety?
Why does anxiety show up as anger?
Anxiety usually stems from an overstimulation from a stressful environment or threat, and thinking you can’t deal with the threat. On the other hand, anger is often tied to frustration. Often times anxiety is left unacknowledged and unexpressed because there is perceived judgement or shame surrounding doing so. This is when it can turn into frustration and then anger, as feelings of fear have been suppressed and ignored for too long. When your teen is scared or worried about something, like an upcoming test or an argument with their partner, they often unconsciously choose anger as a way to feel like they are in control of their anxiety.
However, now that you know there may be another reason behind the slammed doors, you have the choice to react to the surface level of anger or respond to the underlying anxiety that could be fueling their behavior.
1. Walk away to gain back composure
It might feel like you’re ignoring the situation, but taking some time to center yourself before having a more connective conversation where you’ll both feel heard is more valuable. Shouting back and trying to match their anger because you lose your leverage and make yourself an unsafe place to land. When things start to escalate with voices getting louder and body language getting tense, try to recognize that you may not be able to handle the exchange with grace and composure. Be honest with your teen and excuse yourself with:
“I can feel myself getting angry and I really don’t want to lose it. I’m asking you to give me a few minutes to get myself together, and we can talk about this more later when we’re both calmer.”
Then, go into your room, close the door and punch your pillow. Call a friend. Listen to music. Go for a walk. Give yourself the time and space to do whatever you need to do to bring yourself back to center before you reengage your teen. You are modeling to your teen that it is okay to step away from an exchange to calm down before trying to share your thoughts.
2. Picture your teen as a toddler
Think back to when your teen was a toddler and how they threw tantrums. Although it was probably frustrating, we’re guessing you also felt some sense of compassion for them because you knew they developmentally couldn’t help it or express what they needed. The same is true for your teen. They are still developing mentally and emotionally, and are figuring out how to manage and express everything happening on the inside. Sometimes things will come out sounding like a mature teen, other times they’ll remind you that they still need to learn how to handle losing a sense of control.
Think about how you would approach your “toddler” if you knew they were actually scared about something. How would you want your parent to respond to you when you were internally feeling anxious and couldn’t find the courage or words to share that?
3. Engage in curiosity
When you’re both ready to talk to each other in a less emotionally charged environment, allow your curiosity to guide the conversation. Possible reasons why your teen is feeling anxious and is frustrated by the discomfort could be a major life change, things feeling out of their control, feeling embarrassed about physical changes, feeling stuck in sadness over a breakup, or feeling afraid about the future. Start the conversation by validating their frustration and remind them that you’re there to support them through whatever is bothering them. It can sound something like:
“I hear that you’re very upset about something. I’m curious to know what it is you’re really upset about. When things are uncertain, it can feel very overwhelming and we can get really upset at the world. Is there anything in your life that makes you feel like you’re losing control or you’re finding difficult to understand?”
4. Share about your responses to anxiety
Sometimes teens don’t know they’re anxious themselves and are focused on the surface emotion of anger. Find a time when they seem to be less agitated and share about what you’re feeling anxious about (eg. work project, upcoming summer plans, health). Talk through your initial reactions to feeling the anger, and getting curious about what the emotion might be telling you about your frustrations or worries. By sharing your experience, you’re providing space for them to explore what is present underneath the frustration they’re feeling, and validating their response to
“I felt myself feeling really annoyed the other day. After noticing my heart was beating faster and face feeling flushed, I paused to think about why I was having this response. Last week, I presented a big work presentation for work to my supervisors and was unable to answer some questions. I realize it made me feel really embarrassed and frustrated because I don’t want them to look down on my abilities and I know I’m better than what I showed them that day.”
5. Surprise them with care and affection
Once you’ve allowed yourself time to pause and center yourself, try surprising them with care and affection. If they are being grumpy or giving you attitude, the last thing they’d expect you to respond with is “I love you”. Anxiety can feel isolating because the problem you’re worried about feels so much bigger in your head than others can see. Teens may be afraid to express this to you so they use their anger to protect themselves from being vulnerable. Instead of focusing on their anger, and choosing to speak towards the comfort they need to face their worries, they will feel more seen and supported (it would be even better to speak in their preferred love language).
Serving their favorite food for dinner
Go on a walk together after dinner, or suggest watching a movie together
Putting your arm around them or giving them a hug
Write them a text of encouragement
Get them their favorite flowers
Question of the Week:
For the dinner table, car ride, or whenever you get to sit down with your teen
What are some feelings that come up for you when you don’t have control over a situation?
Reflection of the Week:
A moment for yourself to slow down, reflect, and Cherish
Think about a time when you were angry, but were actually feeling anxious about not having control over a situation? How would you speak to yourself in that moment?
About Cherish
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