Are you speaking your teen's love language?
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Sometimes, even when you're giving your all to show your teen love, they still don't feel your love. This could be because you're speaking different love languages!
The Five Love Languages were developed by Dr. Gary Chapman to categorize the ways we like to receive affection and "makes our tanks feel full". Dr. Chapman points out that we often give love the way we'd like to receive it, but forget to consider how our loved ones would like to receive affection. While it may seem "corny" or sound a bit like pseudoscience, we think the greatest value that the Love Languages provide is a common language of how one wants to give and receive love. Having a shared language about forms of affection can help you identify roots of conflict, create a better understanding of needs, and support each other's growth.
What the heck is their love language?
There are 5 love languages, (usually we'd all like some of each, but there's often one or two that stand out): quality time, words of affirmation, physical touch, acts of service and gifts.
As your teen grows, their needs for love and support will change. The little child who used to love hugs may now yearn for a word of encouragement instead. Love languages can help us intentionally learn about their needs at every step of their development so that your intentions are properly translated and well received.
If you've felt the following things in your relationship, it may be a sign you're speaking the wrong language:
You're not "getting" each other
You and your teen feel ignored by one another
Your teen doesn't reach out to you for comfort or support
You are confused and frustrated because you don't feel they appreciate your efforts.
Your teen may say "You just don't get me!" or "Why aren't you more like _____'s mom?"
Your teen resists your attempts to show them love
To find out what love language your teen would prefer, you can try starting a conversation, experimenting with different love languages, or completing this love language quiz together. Helping your teen learn their love language can positively impact their future relationships by empowering them to better communicate their needs to others.
What Cherishing sounds like
Scenario: How do I bring up the topic of love languages and speaking the right one with my teen?
Cherish suggests:
Parent: Today I was reading an article that talked about this idea of "love languages" and how we all have a preference for how we like to give and receive love. It sounded really interesting. (share how you've learned about this new concept)
Have you heard of this concept?
Teen: No, not really
Parent: Gotcha. Well, there's five of them and I'm curious to hear which ones you think each of our family members like and use to show their love. Can I tell you about them?
Teen: Mmmm, sure.
Parent: There's words of affirmation, quality time, gifts, acts of service, and physical touch. Which one do you like to receive and which one do you use the most often to show love?
[If they're not sure, you can suggest the quiz to them!]
Teen: Mmm I don't know.
Parent: There's a short quiz to see which style you are. Wanna take it together and we can discuss? I'd love to learn how to give you the love you want to receive.
[After sharing, make a plan going forward]
Parent: Huh, I had no idea! I thought you liked acts of service the most. I want to show you love the way you'd like to receive it. What are ways I can help us have more quality time?
Teen: I dunno, maybe a movie night or something?
Parent: Let's do it! Wanna do a movie night this weekend? You can pick the movie and I can get us pizza!
Okay, I know their style, now what?
It can be hard to adapt your love into a new language that you're less familiar using to show your love. Here are a few ideas for people who enjoy each love language. Pick something to try this week with your teen!
Quality Time
What to do: To give your undivided attention to your teen.
Try out a new restaurant together, without any other siblings
Go on a walk together after dinner
Buy tickets for a movie or play they’ve been wanting to see
Start a new hobby together
Take a road trip or overnight trip together
Ask about their interests, struggles, hopes and dreams
What not to do:
Be distracted by television, phone screens, or any other outside interference while you're with them.
Only talk about surface-level topics like sports, TV shows or academics
Forgetting about things that were shared
Not planning ahead or making an effort to set aside time to spend together
Words of Affirmation
What to do: To give verbal acknowledgments of affection like compliments, words of appreciation, encouragement,
Write them a nice note and stick it on their desk
Tell them how much you loved their play, newest project, performance etc.
Tell them you appreciate them for how they help around the house
Share five reasons why you love them (be specific and give examples)
Text them good luck before an exam, presentation or competition
What not to do:
Give undue criticism, being too harsh with feedback
Not acknowledging or thanking them for their efforts
Giving the cold shoulder
Too much sarcasm, mocking or imitating
Physical Touch
What to do: To give physical signs of affection as they value the feeling of warmth and comfort that comes with physical touch. Remember to always ask if they'd like a hug/kiss first!
Schedule a manicure/pedicure/haircut for them
Give high-fives, pats on the shoulder, rubs on the back for encouragement
Get them a weighted blanket to sleep with
Give them a hug/kiss in the morning before they leave the house
Gently touch their hand or arm when talking about something heartfelt
What not to do:
Skip out or hesitate to hug/kiss them, especially when they are stressed or feeling down
Be physically distant
Giving another sibling more physical affection
Acts of Service
What to do: To go out of your way to make their life easier, because your teen believes that actions speak louder than words and they like to be shown how they're appreciated and loved.
Do a chore they’ve been dreading when they seem extra stressed
Let them choose the movie or game for family night
Make their bed for them when they forget
Cook them their favorite meal
Ask “what can I help you with?” or what can I do to make your day better today?
What not to do:
Going back on a promise or not doing what you said you would
Not offering extra help, especially when they need it
Acting burdened while helping
Giving them more tasks than they can handle without asking first
Gift Giving
What to do: To give "visual symbols of love"- Rather than the monetary value of the gift, your teen recognizes and values the gift-giving process: the careful reflection, the deliberate choosing of the object to represent the relationship, and the emotional benefits from receiving the present.
Get them their favorite flowers, just because
Buy them something they’ve been wanting for awhile
Sign them up for a class they’ve been wanting to take
Surprise them with a present on an obscure holiday
Get them their favorite treat at the grocery store
What not to do:
Not putting thought into a gift (like cash or gift cards)
Not getting a present for or forgetting about their birthday/holidays
Ignoring requests or hints on gift ideas
Saying something negative about a gift received
Question of the Week:
For the dinner table, car ride, or whenever you get to sit down with your teen
When you have a bad day, what are some things that would make you feel better? When you notice a friend having a bad day, how do you like to show them you care?
Reflection of the Week:
A moment for yourself to slow down, reflect, and Cherish
What is one way you can show yourself love through your top love language this week?
❤️ More things we Cherish
If you have 1 minute - Add a new board game to your collection for your teen who loves quality time!
If you have 5 minutes - Does your teen speak love in “gifts”? Here’s a list of what they find cool these days to help you out for the holiday season.
Deeper dive - If you loved this newsletter, read more in Dr. Gary Chapman’s book specifically for parents who want to learn how to speak their teen’s love language and build deeper connections.
What do you Cherish? Share a tip, story, or question you may have around parenting teens with us by replying to this email!
About Cherish
Cherish combines research and empathetic support in the form of 1:1 parent coaching, curated parent circles, and personalized content to help parents develop the skills, awareness, and community needed to parent confidently. We know being a parent can be tough - and it’s even tougher as your kids hit their teenage years. That’s why we created Cherish to support you each step of the way!
For more information, check out our early access page.
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