5 ways you can model healthy relationship habits for your teen
By outweighing negative interactions with positive ones, using productive conflict resolution strategies and setting boundaries
Our relationship blueprint
The blueprint for how we show up in relationships – how we give, receive, and understand love –often come from our observations of our parents’ behaviors and beliefs in their relationships. If your parents shouted during arguments, you may have internalize that as part of expressing love... or you may have decided that is never how you want to speak to a loved one.
So, just as you learned how to show up in a relationship by observing your parents, your teens are observing your relationships (even unconsciously) to learn how they should handle conflict, show affection, and maintain connection.
If you were to step back and consider: what are your teens learning about relationships from you, what comes up? Are they the things you want to model for them?
Here are 5 ideas for ways you can model healthy relationships for your teen this week:
1. Balancing number of positive and negative interactions
Dr. Gottman and Robert Levenson, pioneers in relationship psychology, discovered a key distinguishing feature of happy couples was a magic ratio of 5:1 instances of positive and negative interactions during conflict. A healthy relationship will come with arguments, but showing your teen that it is outweighed with instances of physical and verbal affection, active listening, small acts of kindness, and empathy will set them up to expect similarly in theirs. This week, try keeping a log of positive and negative interactions with your loved one for just one day to get a baseline of your ratio! If you’re finding yourself low on the ratio, here are some ways you can outweigh the negativity when an argument comes around:
Holding your partner’s hand when you’re having a difficult conversation
Showing interest with open-ended questions and subtle signals like nods, eye contact and “uh-huhs”
Validate your partner’s experience even if you disagree to show you still respect them
2. Showing appreciation for others
When you have the habit of showing appreciation for your partner, your teen will see that no matter how long you’ve been in a relationship, you should never take your partner’s efforts for granted. A study of couples found that those who took time to express gratitude for their partner not only felt more positive toward the other person but also felt more comfortable expressing concerns about their relationship. Here are some ways you can show appreciation for your partner:
Share positive affirmations (”I believe in you”, “this is hard, we’re in it together”, “You sound upset, I love you”) for when your partner is having a rough day
Compliment your partner when they are and aren’t present to show that you’re not just saying things to make them happy... you genuinely mean it!
Thank your partner for the small things that are “expected” of them, like doing the dishes, or buying groceries
3. Calm and productive conflict resolution
When teens watch how adults resolve conflict calmly and productively, it actually helps them understand that it’s okay to disagree and doesn’t mean the relationship is going sour or they’re being rejected. They need to know that even in conflict, we should still treat our partners with love and respect. According to Dr. Fry, psychologist and director of the Vancouver Psychology Centre, “Let your teens see you disagree without rage, name-calling, shaming or bringing up past problems. When you extend an apology and a hug at the end, it changes the whole relationship landscape for your teens.” Are there some new conflict resolution strategies you can try practicing with your partner this month like these?
Pause: When you notice yourself getting heated, pause and take some deep breaths, or take a moment to center yourself
Mirror their language: Repeat their statements and explain you understand why they’re upset to show you understand their perspective
“The Gentle Start Up”: using ‘I’ language to express a feeling, followed by sharing a positive need without placing blame (”I am feeling frustrated right now because I am tired but the kitchen still needs to be cleaned…could you please help me load the dishwasher and clean the counters)
4. Setting boundaries
You may find yourself giving endlessly to your teen or partner when you make them the focus of your life at all times, or feel their achievements and failures are yours. These actions will inevitably leave you feeling resentful, exhausted or burnt out because you’ve neglected your own needs. That’s why it’s critical to show your teen the art of setting boundaries as limits to protect one’s time, energy, and emotional + physical wellbeing. Boundaries are a way to take care of ourselves, remove mind reading and assumptions and establishes what behavior you will accept from others. Here are some subtle ways of getting your teen to think about setting their boundaries with others:
“Do you want him to text you that much?”
“It’s great you’re both doing things with your own friends. Relationships are great, but sometimes you just need a little space to see the other people in your life.”
5. Prioritizing friendship
Have you been too busy to connect with friends recently? Has it left you feeling disconnected with yourself? According to Marla Paul, author of The Friendship Crisis, working moms have the most difficult time with friendships because it feels embarrassing to talk about and makes you question your likability. Adult friendships are trickier than we’d expect and though you want to avoid seeming too needy, research in psychology shows that friends are a key contributor to not only the mental well-being of working parents but their career success as well. A way to show your teen that friendships are still worth making time for and valued like romantic relationships despite growing responsibilities is by bundling— the creation of shared experience by way of combining them together. So how do you demonstrate this for your teen?
When it’s time to cook dinner, connect with your friend on Facetime and share your kitchen tricks on video
Organizing online group catch-ups and virtual boardgame nights
Use Slack instead of texting to keep each other up to date with your goals, and to stay connected throughout the workday
Question of the Week:
For the dinner table, car ride, or whenever you get to sit down with your teen
What does feeling happy in a relationship look and feel like to you? How do you think it should look like?
Reflection of the Week:
A moment for yourself to slow down, reflect, and Cherish
What’s a pattern you observed in your parents’ relationship that is similar/dissimilar in your current one?
About Cherish
We know being a parent can be tough - and it’s even tougher as your kids hit their teenage years. That’s why we created Cherish to support you each step of the way! Cherish combines research and empathetic support through 1:1 coaching, curated parent circles, and personalized content to help you develop the skills, awareness, and community needed to parent confidently. Ready to start your journey with us? Check out our 1:1 coaching here.
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