Your simple guide to connecting with your depressed teen when they want to be left alone
When you model vulnerability, not take their avoidance personally, and emphasize their positive traits, it gives you more space to connect with one another
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Your teen is responding with one-word answers, refuses to join the family for dinner, and won’t let you into their room. It could be your teen feeling “moody”, but it’s also behavior that a depressed teen may show because they feel disconnected. It is painful and frustrating to feel shut out by your teen when you know they are hurting.
Here are 5 approaches for connecting with your teen when all they seem to be saying is “Leave me alone!!”
1. Model vulnerability to feeling the ups and downs of life
For people who struggle with depression, even getting out of bed may be a challenge. So, asking your teen to talk about the overwhelming thoughts in their head when they can’t process it themselves may come off demanding instead of caring. Trying to force your way into your teen’s world or walking on eggshells around them will both be noticed by your teen and likely make them feel guilty for your feelings. Both approaches will lead to resistance instead of connection.
So, instead of asking them to share, try sharing your own experience vulnerably. When your teen sees that you also have ups and downs, and that you’ve got the skills to manage those feelings, it can show them that what they’re feeling doesn’t have to be overwhelming forever. As a bonus, when you open up to them without an agenda, they’ll often feel trusted and respected, which helps them feel more connected to you.
What this sounds like: Think aloud and share about what you’re feeling these days about work, socially, personally — remember don’t make it all about depression. Talk about any difficulties you’re facing or a dilemma you’re thinking through.
2. It’s not about you
Your teen’s depression is not a reflection of your parenting. Depression is complicated and is rooted in many factors. If your teen trusts you enough to share their feedback or opinions with you, remember that you can both perceive the experience differently and both experiences are equally valid. What they are saying may feel true for them, but it doesn’t negate how you saw the events. Remembering this can help you be more curious about their experience and open to their feedback without getting defensive.
What this sounds like: “I see that you’re feeling very upset and don’t want to hear my opinion right now. It hurts to hear you use those words towards me, and it sounds like you need some space right now. Maybe we can talk again later when we’re both feeling more calm.”
3. Reward and acknowledge any positive qualities and actions they’re showing
Rather than only giving feedback when they’re doing something you believe they shouldn’t, call out their strengths that are resources to helping them heal. When you call out behaviors you like, they will identify with those as being good for them and be naturally inclined to do more of it. Don’t be shy about rewarding them for any steps they are taking to deal with their depression, no matter how small it may seem. As long as you’re coming from a genuine place and not only doing it because your agenda is for them to do more of it, you will gradually see positive change.
What this sounds like:
“I’ve always loved how you’re someone who doesn’t back down from tough situations.”
“I hope you’re proud of how you’re engaging with therapy - it’s hard work and you’re doing great”
“Thanks for helping to clear the dishes, love you!”
4. Find another trusted adult to approach teen
You don’t need to be the only person of support for your teen. It’s a lot of pressure and responsibility to place upon yourself and won’t bring out the best of you in this situation. Sometimes it isn’t the message that is the issue, but the messenger. As we mentioned earlier, your teen’s response shouldn’t be taken personally, but a signal that maybe they would like to hear the same thing from someone else. You can refer your teen to community support groups, a mentor who’s gone through similar struggles, or a trusted family friend to talk with your teen about they’re experiencing.
What this sounds like: “I would love to be able to help you through this, and I want you to receive the best support possible. I think there are other people who can help better than I can right now. Would you be open to having a conversation with someone else about what’s going on?”
5. Create a shared experience
Although it may be on the forefront of your mind, turning the focus away from depression can help your teen see how they’re more than their illness and can experience moments of happiness. Find a new memory to create with your teen through a high dopamine activity, like learning something new (eg: video game, board game, recipe), trying out a new activity (eg: go-carts, bouldering, water-rafting). These activities can allow us to get to know each other in new ways and perhaps develop an appreciation of each other as people.
Question of the Week:
For the dinner table, car ride, or whenever you get to sit down with your teen
How can we tell one another we need some time alone in a way that makes both people feel heard?
Reflection of the Week:
A moment for yourself to slow down, reflect, and Cherish
When you’re feeling down and alone, what would you want your parent/close friend say to you for comfort?
Hearing from you makes our day and helps us create! Have a story about something we suggested and it worked (or didn’t)? Wish we shared more about something? Need clarification on a tip? We’d love to know :)
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