Your easy guide to reconnecting with your teen during this summer break
When you get to know your teen like you've just met them and pause to notice their subtle bids of connection, you create a safer and more genuine space to deeply connect
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Summer break is the perfect time to reset your previous ways of connecting with your teen. You’re longing to connect with your teen, but can’t figure out why it feels so difficult. Before we get into the “how”, it’s worth thinking about the “why” first. Do you want to connect because you’re worried about his friend group or his grades? If you’re trying to connect with your teen out of fear, you’ll unconsciously create unintended struggles and miscommunication. Whereas, if you’re coming from a place of curiosity and acceptance, of simply wanting to get to know your teen, your attempts will feel more genuine and be more well-received.
To get started, here are some quick reminders for what connecting means:
It is a time to learn more about your teen’s personality, values, beliefs, likes and dislikes. Think about who they are, not what they do.
Connection is a long game and can take a while to build. Be patient and enjoy the process :)
There will be off days and you’ll feel out of sync with one another, but it doesn’t mean your progress is gone.
1. Get to know your teen all over again
“To love someone long term is to attend a thousand funerals of who they used to be.” - Heidi Priebe
Remember the last time you met someone for the first time? With an open mind, you asked questions about their interests, beliefs, and life experiences. Although you’ve known your teen their whole life, the rapid development they’re going through changes so much from who they were as a kid. You may think you know them, but they could potentially be putting up a persona to please you, or you’re seeing them for who you want them to be.
Some great ways to get to know your teen again are:
Playing the “We’re Not Really Strangers” Family Edition card game or “The SKIN Deep: Family Edition” card game to ask questions like “Which member of our family surprised you the most this year and why?”
Host a dinner party for them and their friends
Ask them to make a playlist for the car and listen to it together
2. Actively listen and respond to their bids of connection
Perhaps you don’t feel like your teen is remotely interested in connecting with you. Although it can come off that way at times, teens are a lot more discrete with their bids of connecting with you. An offhand comment about something that happened during the day, or showing you a funny Youtube clip is their way of reaching out. You’re likely to hear more if you slow down and keep your mind and heart open to the different ways your teen is trying to connect with you.
In response, you can also offer more subtle bids of connection with them by starting a new ritual so that your teen will come to expect and rely on those moments. Some bids that will be easier to carry on through the year:
Always giving a hug along with the car keys
Go for pizza together on Sunday night or a coffee run on Saturday morning
Taking your dog for a walk together on Sunday afternoons
3. Engage in their hobbies
When you force an expectation of how you’d like to connect, it probably won’t go the way you want it to. You may have dreams about epic hikes, but your teen may just want to go to a sneaker store. Don’t drag him on hikes — at least at first. Approach them where they’re at through engaging in their hobbies. It’s important for your teen to know that they can share parts of their life with you, without having to worry that you’re evaluating or judging them.
You can engage with them by:
Ask them to teach you something: “Tell me about…” or “I’d love to know how you ______. Would you be willing to teach me how?”
What about ______ do you love the most?
Tell me about an achievement/ experience you’re really proud of. Why is it important to you?
If you had enough money that you never had to work, what would you do with your time?(Check out our IG post for more examples)
4. Share about how human you are
Sometimes you can get caught up in trying to do everything right and being your best for your teen that you forget showing how human and imperfect you are gives your teen the acceptance and space to be themselves. When you open up and share with your teen about how much you don’t like doing chores, or are struggling with a difficult co-worker, it gives room for your teen to relate to those similar feelings.
When you’re cleaning up for the night, you can say: “Wow, we’ve both had really long days and I know this is the last thing I feel like doing right now. If we work together to do these dishes it will go so much faster and we can both relax sooner.”
In the car, share how you’ve struggled over the past year and are using the summer to process things or take care of yourself
Question of the Week:
For the dinner table, car ride, or whenever you get to sit down with your teen
What’s something you want to do over the summer that could make you a better person by the end of it?
Reflection of the Week:
A moment for yourself to slow down, reflect, and Cherish
How can I use the summer to care for myself that I normally don’t have time for?
Hearing from you makes our day and helps us create! Have a story about something we suggested and it worked (or didn’t)? Wish we shared more about something? Need clarification on a tip? We’d love to know :)
About Cherish
We know being a parent can be tough - and it’s even tougher as your kids hit their teenage years. That’s why we created Cherish to support you each step of the way! Cherish combines research and empathetic support through 1:1 coaching, curated parent circles, and personalized content to help you develop the skills, awareness, and community needed to parent confidently. Ready to start your journey with us? Check out our 1:1 coaching here.