Let's talk about sex
The Cherish Parenting Newsletter Issue #8
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Sex - yes, it’s an awkward topic to talk about with teens. But studies have shown that parents play a big role in influencing a teen’s decisions around sex. Sex education may be covered in school, but creating a safe space at home to answer questions or discuss difficult topics can be hugely beneficial to teens and lead to less sexual shame.
💬 So what is there to discuss about sex?
Sexual health and safety are common first topics, and you don’t have to wait until they start to talk about it. Studies have shown that t(w)eens who report talking with their parents about sex are more likely to delay having sex and to use condoms when they do eventually have sex. Open conversations can be a chance to clear up common misconceptions, for example that sexually transmitted infections cannot be orally transmitted (they can), or that all STIs are curable (some are not).
Beyond sexual health and safety, here are some related areas you may want to cover:
Boundary setting: What boundaries do you have? And your teen? How can your teen set boundaries with their peers? What about boundaries between you and your teen? Modeling these conversations and sharing your boundaries can give them a useful framework to use in future boundary setting for intimate situation.
Consent: “No” means “No”, and anything other than “Yes” is also “No”. Recent years have highlighted how this is a concept to communicate early and often, and it’s never too early to start showing them the nuanced nature of consent. For example, if you notice them hesitating when asked to do something, you can confirm, “It feels like you might not want to do that. Do you want to talk about it?” or offering choices for interacting with relatives, like, “I know you don’t like when Aunt Josie hugs you. Is there a different way you’d prefer to greet her?”
Responsibility: What consequences and responsibilities come with actions? Instead of lecturing, regularly encourage your teen to think through long-term consequences versus short-term benefits using daily experiences. For example, you can ask, “I heard that John is starting to smoke now. What do you think of that?... What impact do you think this might have on him in the future that he’s maybe not thinking about right now?
Intimacy: How do you hope your teen will relate to intimacy, alone and with a partner? Sexual health goes far beyond safety and encompasses pleasure as well as sexual competency. Don’t shy away from discussions around gender inequality in sexual pleasure, the upside of physical intimacy, the unrealistic nature of pornographic materials, body image, and communicating with partners about intimacy. Here are some talking points.
🏡 A safe space for open and honest communication
As we alluded to before, “how” you talk to your teen about sex matters almost as much as “what” you talk to them about. Some helpful tips:
Use a non-judgmental tone: nothing shuts a conversation down faster than judgment!
Use humor: diffuse tension by saying you know it’s awkward. Consider borrowing inspiration from this tea analogy for talking about consent.
Be gender neutral: your teen might be exploring their sexuality and topics like consent and sexual health applies to everyone, regardless of gender.
Normalize sex as a topic: rather than saving it for a “Big Talk”, make sex feel like an accessible topic. For example, TV shows or movies could spark a discussion - “What did you think about that scene? Do you think it’s realistic for two teenagers who just met to jump into bed together?”
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❤️ More things we Cherish
If you have 1 minute - Read our latest article on what to do when you find out your teen is having sex. If you’re looking for more activities to do with your teen, try whipping up some of TikTok’s most viral recipes.
If you have 5 minutes - These Planned Parenthood resources on consent are full of helpful information.
Deeper dive - Looking for content that’ll spark conversations? We love short-form podcasts like Short Wave (science) and The Indicator (economics) that provides just 10 minutes of daily, discussion worthy content. And here’s an episode from Radiolab for a more intimate look into a person’s exploration of communicating sexual consent.
About Cherish
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