How you can make your home more emotionally safe for your teen's mental health
May is Mental Health Awareness Month and we're starting it off by sharing the first step to caring for your teen's mental health.
May is Mental Health Awareness Month and as many of us know our teens have been mentally and emotionally challenged, especially over the past two years. Due to the stigma towards those who have mental health struggles, they are quietly struggling and too afraid to ask for help. Feelings of stress, self-doubt, pressure to succeed, financial uncertainty, disappointment, and loss weigh heavily on their developing brains, and many unfortunately decide to carry the burdens on their own.
If you struggle to find a starting point of how to help your teen with their mental health, the first step is to reflect and see if you’ve created an emotionally safe home that gives them space to open up about their internal experience. When your home and relationship feels emotionally safe, your teen will naturally trust that they can share some of their burdens with you.
What is emotional safety?
When someone trusts that their feelings will be responded to with sensitivity and respect, they feel safe to be honest and vulnerable, and gratefully accept the feedback they receive. Psychologist Don Catherall says a person needs two things to feel emotionally safe with someone: 1) To feel a healthy sense of connection to the person and 2) to develop a healthy sense of security in themselves.
If your teen senses emotionally insecurity, they are fearful of criticism or rejection from you and will hide their true thoughts and feelings. They may just tell you what they think you want to hear because they think this is the best way to keep themselves as safe as possible.
Take a moment to ask yourself these questions to evaluate the emotional safety of your home: (as seen in this Psychology Today post)
___ 1. Family members seldom criticize me, and I rarely criticize them, though we do quietly give each other feedback when there's been a problem.
___ 2. I generally feel comfortable saying what I think and expressing what I want to do, even if sometimes others may disagree with me.
___ 3. We seldom if ever use loud, angry, or even quietly annoying voices in our family. If someone does sound irritated, they usually apologize afterward and explain that they were tired, hungry, worried, or overwhelmed.
___ 4. When we disagree with each other, we listen to try to understand each other's point of view.
___ 5. When something has gone wrong, each of us focuses on what we can contribute toward fixing the problem. No one looks to figure out whose fault the problem was or looks who they can blame.
The higher the number of statements that you scored as true, the higher the likelihood that your home is emotionally safe.
This week, we’re sharing 3 ways you can create more emotional safety in your home so that your teen feels more supported and comfortable to share the good and bad that is going on in their life.
1. Acknowledge and validate all thoughts and feelings
Statements like “You’re not really sad” or “You’re just being too sensitive” sound like light passing comments, but have lasting consequences by making the other person feel as if their feelings are wrong. Validation does not mean allowing anything to happen without consequence (such as violence, lying, name-calling). It does mean accepting anger, frustration, sadness, and fear as valid emotions, and also knowing there are healthy ways to express and manage them.
Action tip: When you see your teen in distress, show you acknowledge what they’re feeling: “It sucks that happened, of course you’re upset. It’s okay to feel that way.” Then ask what type of support they’d like from you. “Would you like to talk about what’s happening in your head? It’s okay if you don’t. I’ll be here when you need me. I love you.”
2. Physical and emotional boundaries are respected
Sometimes we use our own needs for love and connection and project them onto others as their needs too. However, we all have our own preferences for ways we want to give and receive love. It’s important to show your teen that their boundaries are respected as they grow as an independent individual. Although it can feel counterintuitive, giving them space to process or figure things out when requested is an act of love because it shows you respect and trust they know what they need.
Action tip: Usually if someone’s boundaries are getting crossed, they will react withdrawn, try to change subjects or in an angry manner. If your teen doesn’t want a hug, you don’t force him to. If they ask you for some space and not wanting to talk about a topic, you respect that request by not asking more questions.
3. Accept and encourage them for who they are
One important way you can support the healthy development of their sense of self is to encourage them to be who they are. When your teen is encouraged to explore their own way of dressing themselves, or using their imagination, they’re on the road to discovering their personality, likes and dislikes, sense of humor, and what makes them unique. This requires for you to be open-minded towards different ways to be successful, and to let go of your expectations and control of who you want them to be.
Action tip: When you want to question or criticize a decision they’ve made, respond with curiosity about their thought process and what it shows about who they are. This can sound like “This is a decision I didn’t expect you to make. Will you tell me more about why you want to do this? I want to learn more about you so I know how I can support your growth.”
Question of the Week:
For the dinner table, car ride, or whenever you get to sit down with your teen
What is something you feel you are misunderstood about? What do I not understand about you?
Reflection of the Week:
A moment for yourself to slow down, reflect, and Cherish
How emotionally safe did you feel growing up in your home? What are some ways in which you did and didn’t?
About Cherish
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