How you can be your teen's friend and parent at the same time
Through setting healthy boundaries, sharing about your imperfection and learning more about their personality
Many parents worry being too much like a friend will lessen authority, control and respect in their parent-teen relationship. While it’s true that you shouldn’t be a “friend” who says yes to everything they want and is cool about every decision they make, a true definition of a friend goes beyond a permissive attitude.
In reality, having a strong foundation of friendship with your teen provides a safe, accepting and nurturing environment for them to grow into their independence. Your teen needs both someone who can set strong boundaries for them AND someone who can be a compassionate unconditional source of love. Knowing what situation demands which role, is key!
Foundations of a Friendship
While friendship with peers is more based on compatibility, commonality, and social value, a friendship with your teen is more often based on attachment and responsibility. There are various types of friendships, ones that are rooted in history, ones in which you have to talk frequently, and ones where you don’t talk very often but your deepest secrets are kept safe. When you have trust and admiration towards one another, there is mutual positive influence in each other’s lives.
Being a friend means:
mutual respect for one another
having boundaries present
holding no judgement
being tactfully honest
being there through the ups and downs
accepting towards the ebbs and flows in the relationship
So what does being a friend to your teen look like?
1. Set healthy boundaries
Being their friend doesn’t mean you need to be like them to connect. Teens do not want their parents to act like them, talk like them or dress like them. It actually makes them feel self-conscious or embarrassed. It’s important to set boundaries for how you’ll be their friend, that you aren’t trying to be like their friends from school. Healthy friendships have boundaries that show what behaviors you will and won’t accept from the other, with an underlying respect towards these personal standards. Boundaries like how you treat each other’s time, how much you tell them, respecting differences of values, separating yourself from their emotions, ability to say no.
You can start making small adjustments to your dynamic by:
Share one frustrating thing about your day to one another.
When you disagree about a subject — “It sounds like we have different opinions about this. I hope we can respect our differences and not make the other feel bad for their thoughts.”
“I’d love to talk about _____ with you. How about we set aside some time tonight before bed to chat?”
2. Share about your imperfection
Sometimes we think being a parent means setting the perfect example for our teens because if not, they will act out of line and others will judge our parenting. Although modeling good behavior for your teen is very important, so is allowing yourself to be imperfect and showing your teen that mistakes or weaknesses don’t mean you’re any less. When you show them you have the courage and confidence to admit your mistakes or apologize, you’re modeling how to show up authentically in a relationship. Share stories about silly things you did or regrets you have as a teen without trying to impart a lesson. Your teen will be able to trust and open up more once they see how you are human and imperfect, just like them.
3. Focus more on learning about their personality
When you’re solely focused on what they’re doing in school, what their grades are, how well they’re doing in extracurricular activities, you’re emphasizing that your interest is mainly in their accomplishments, not who they are. Teens are developing their humor, interests, and opinions – things that may not necessarily have “outputs” or achievements. Being their friend means getting to know their beliefs, their quirks, their triggers, etc. Next time you have a moment with them, ask the type of curious questions you would when you’re trying to get to know someone deeply:
What does a perfect day look like to you?
What’s been your happiest memory so far of this year?
When was the last time you surprised yourself?
When do you feel most connected to others?
When do you feel most like yourself?
4. Be slow to speak
It’s very easy to jump into giving advice whenever you sense a problem or you don’t agree with how your teen is handling a situation. You just want to share all your past mistakes and experiences so they don’t have to go through similar pain! But imagine if your friend constantly gave you advice or a “I told you so!” attitude whenever you shared some hardships with them. Teens need your guidance, but since they value their developing autonomy so strongly as well, respecting this and asking if they want your advice before giving it will actually make them more open to hearing it. It provides them a chance to check in with their own needs and demonstrates your respect for them as well. Remember, when they are heart broken or about to fail something that matters to them, what they need is a friend, not a disciplinarian or “teacher”.
Question of the Week:
For the dinner table, car ride, or whenever you get to sit down with your teen
What are some of your favorite qualities about your best friend?
Reflection of the Week:
A moment for yourself to slow down, reflect, and Cherish
Can you think of a moment when you wish your parent(s) could have been a better friend to you?
About Cherish
We know being a parent can be tough - and it’s even tougher as your kids hit their teenage years. That’s why we created Cherish to support you each step of the way! Cherish combines research and empathetic support through 1:1 coaching, curated parent circles, and personalized content to help you develop the skills, awareness, and community needed to parent confidently. Ready to start your journey with us? Check out our 1:1 coaching here.
For more information, check out our early access page.
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