How to notice and support your teen struggling through a toxic dating relationship
In support of February's Teen Dating Violence Awareness Month
Did you know 1 in 3 teens in the US reported to be victims of dating abuse? Every February, people around the country join together to raise the issues of teen dating violence through Teen Dating Violence Awareness Month (TDVAM). This year’s theme is “Talk About It”, calling loved ones to engage in meaningful conversations about healthy relationships and navigate what may be unhealthy or abusive to them.
If your teen has started dating and you’re shaking your head at the boyfriend with the terrible fashion sense, or the girlfriend who is too shy to look you in the eye, we invite you to see it as an opportunity to trust your teen to figure out who they’re best suited with. However, if you believe there are reasons to be concerned about, it’s important to check and see if your feelings are supported by true signs of your teen being in a toxic relationship.
Signs of a toxic teen relationship
Dr. Lillian Glass in “Toxic People” defines a toxic relationship as: “Any relationship [between people who] don’t support each other, where there’s conflict and one seeks to undermine the other, where there’s competition, where there’s disrespect and a lack of cohesiveness.”
It can be difficult to spot signs of abuse. If you notice any of these behaviors, it’s likely your teen is in a toxic relationship:
They are on edge and anxious to please their partner as they’re afraid to upset them
They are cut off from past social groups or friendships as abusers often isolate the person to create more dependency
They lie or make excuses for their partner
They are easily jealous of anyone who is with their partner
They have huge mood swings of being emotionally withdrawn to being extremely happy
They are always talking about who the person can become, not for who they are now
They need to know the other’s whereabouts and activities at all times through constant calling or texting
Those who are in this toxic dynamic can still appear happy and in love. In reality, they often question everything about themselves, make excuses, feel trapped and not strong enough to leave the relationship. Since it’s likely this is their first relationship with little knowledge of what healthy love feels like, they will require extra care to slowly believe in themselves and that they will be okay without the abuser. It’s important to handle this carefully so that you remain in the know.
These are some loving ways you can respond that will let your teen know you’re always there for them:
1. Be supportive without enabling
The hard truth is that you can’t force your teen to end their relationship. Bringing up your concerns gently and in a non-confrontational manner is important for your teen to not feel attacked and open to considering your help. You want your teen to feel that no matter what their decision is, their process of figuring things out will not be judged, but supported by you. When you are supportive, it means being gentle and patient with your words, actively listening and reassuring them that you’ll always be there.
This doesn’t sound like:
“Why are you dating ______? They aren’t good for you. You deserve so much better.”
”Why does this keep happening? I thought you’d realize by now that this upsets you. It’s not healthy for you two to be together. It hurts me to see you going through this and makes me worry a lot about you.”
2. Don’t judge their decisions
You’ll want to avoid pointing fingers or criticizing their relationship at all costs because that can potentially cut off your communication and cause your teen to further withdraw in fear of judgement and rejection. Phrases like “I just don’t understand why you put up with that treatment” and “You always say the same things but you won’t leave” are incredibly hurtful because they undermine their self-esteem and trigger feelings of guilt. Guilt drives low self-esteem and is counterproductive if you want to make them see the harm they’re experiencing. Building their self-esteem is important to their choosing to end a toxic relationship.
3. Ask open-ended questions
If you need more information to figure out how best to help your teen, use the "Ask – Don't Tell" approach to make them reflect on and slowly open up about how they really feel about their relationship. Asking leading questions based on your assumptions or judgements will be detected by your teen and lead them to be defensive. Focus on open-ended and nonjudgemental questions based on observations of their behavior, and allow them to hear their own answers to process the situation:
“What do you enjoy about the person you’re dating?”
“I’ve noticed you seem down recently. Is there anything going on?”
“Since you’ve started dating, I haven’t seen [their friend] come over much anymore. You guys love to hangout! Did something happen?”
4. Remind them of what they do deserve
Often times, teens will stay in a toxic relationship because their partner has belittled, controlled or betrayed them to a point that their self-esteem is so low they don’t believe they deserve any better. They’ve become dependent upon their partner for validation and source of love. Give them reminders with examples about how strong, valuable, and capable they are, what you love about them, and the way they deserve to be treated. Remind them that love builds people up, helps them grow, and feels supportive. Tell them they deserve safety and comfort in their life. Remember to share these things without bringing up their relationship each time. When you speak in general terms, it will be less likely to trigger a defense and gently plant seeds of love and hope back into their minds.
Unfortunately, you cannot make the decision for your teen to break their relationship. What you can do is love, support, and be the one choosing wellness for them until they are ready to choose it for themselves. The most important thing you can do is empower them, and reinforce the idea that there is something better for them when they are ready. Taking that first step is terrifying for them — but, you can be ready to help them find strong footing.
If you fear your teen is self-harming or will commit suicide, seek help from mental health professionals, school counselor or crisis hotlines immediately. Ask your teen if they are safe at school, at home or with their partner. If they do not feel safe, help gather the resources they need to know there is someone waiting for them when they are ready to get out. (eg: a safe word to text a trusted individual, hotline number to call)
Question of the Week:
For the dinner table, car ride, or whenever you get to sit down with your teen
What are some feelings that are meant to be felt in a happy and healthy relationship?
Reflection of the Week:
A moment for yourself to slow down, reflect, and Cherish
Think about the last time you felt stuck in a situation but didn’t know how to seek help. What do you wish someone said to you during that time?
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