How to give a genuine compliment to your teen that they'll accept
Be specific with examples, and focus on their effort, traits, and impact
In your eyes, your teen is wonderful, yet, they seem to have a hard time believing it themselves. When it comes to building confidence in your teen, it is trickier than telling them they’re doing great. You may not have grown up in a household where compliments were given and it feels uncomfortable to say these thoughts aloud. However, your words do have a strong impact on them, whether they show it or not. When you give your teen a genuine compliment and create an environment of uplifting energy, it will help them see their own strengths more clearly and be less affected by bad treatment from peers.
So, how do you give a thoughtful and sincere compliment that your teen will accept and believe?
The Formula of a Genuine Compliment
Compliments create positive energy, so giving them can feel as good as receiving them. Dr. Gary Chapman describes compliments as a love language in the form of words of affirmation. For those who have it as their primary love language, hearing positive words to communicate love, appreciation, and respect will touch them more than a hug or new bag. (Check to see what your teen’s love language is first!) Giving a compliment provides an opportunity to deepen and strengthen your bond with the other person because it’s taking the time to point out something you appreciate about the other. Research shows that giving gratitude-based compliments, in particular, correlates with greater levels of optimism, satisfaction and happiness. The next time you want to give your teen a compliment that won’t sound fake or biased, keep the following tips in mind:
1. Be specific and intentional
When you use hyperbolic phrases to praise someone (”You’re the best basketball player ever!!”), they can sound like empty words that were just thrown out without thought. An honest compliment, with specific adjectives and examples of how they’ve shown it will carry more weight because it demonstrates you’ve spent time noticing their efforts and actions. This sounds like:
“You’re the best basketball player ever!!” → “You played such good offense today, I saw you execute that new play you’ve been practicing flawlessly!”
“Your outfit looks great!” → “You’re really creative for putting together an outfit like that! It looks great on you!”
2. Actions can speak louder than words
When it comes to giving a great compliment, how you say it just as important as what you say. For a compliment to feel authentic, you need to be mindful of your tone of voice, including a genuine smile, and eye contact. If you’re saying it as passing comment, that lacks enthusiasm or focus, it can feel like you see it as a task. Or, if you’re saying it with a pained expression, your teen may interpret the compliment as guilt or forced niceties. When you have a space to be side by side, it can relieve the potential awkwardness or seriousness and leave room for them to process it without pressure. Try sharing your positive thoughts in a car ride, hanging out in the family room, or on a weekend hike!
3. Focus on their efforts, personality and impact
Shining a light on who that person is as a human being will always mean more than their appearance. When you affirm your teen’s effort, personality traits, or impact on others, you’re highlighting the qualities that matter and what builds character in the long run. This will also help bring their attention towards aspects other than outward appearance which gets so much attention on social media already. If you do believe something about their appearance should be complimented, focus on the impact it has on others or the effort it took to achieve. Try out some of these!
Your smile is contagious.
You make me want to be a better friend.
You set such a great example for your siblings.
It makes me so proud to see how far you’ve come.
Your patience is such an inspiration for me to practice kindness too.
4. Share it without an agenda
To share something genuine, it requires giving a compliment without an expectation of receiving anything in return. When you follow it up with requests or advice, or say it when it’s not very contextually relevant anymore, you might be met with “What do you want?” rather than “Oh thank you!” Also, be mindful of your intentions when giving compliments as well. If you’re trying to reinforce a behavior by praising it, it can take away from how genuinely appreciative you are. Lastly, try your best to avoid starting a compliment with “I”. I-statements subconsciously make the compliment about yourself because you’re focusing on what you like rather than this trait being worth praising regardless of how you feel about it.
Instead of: “I love how you look today.”
Try: “You picked a great outfit today, it really brings out your eyes. (focuses on their decision making and creativity)
Question of the Week:
For the dinner table, car ride, or whenever you get to sit down with your teen
What’s a recent compliment that made you feel really good about yourself? Why was it so special?
Reflection of the Week:
A moment for yourself to slow down, reflect, and Cherish
What are your feelings towards compliments? How does it affect how often and genuinely you share them with your teen?
About Cherish
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