How do you know if you're acting out of fear or love for your teen?
Sometimes we jump to respond to a problem and mask it as love, but it may actually be out of fear of facing discomfort.
As parents, you want to protect your teen from harm and prepare them for dangers they will inevitably face. You want to nurture them to be resilient, confident, and competent. You want to make sure you warn them about every possible risk, prevent them from experiencing as much pain as possible, and avoid making the same mistakes as you. You act out of deep, unconditional love and can’t bear to see anything bad happen to them, or are you actually acting out of fear?
Are you acting out of love or fear?
The tendency to react at the fear end of the spectrum in parenting often comes up when you are trying to protect or discipline your teen at the same time. When your reaction is motivated by fear, it slowly wedges a disconnect between you and your teen due to the lack of trust, honesty, and confidence in them.
Here are some examples of how fear can impersonate love:
I love my teen so I’m forcing them to do their homework. Actually, this may be driven by a fear of what will happen if your teen doesn’t perform academically.
I love my teen so I have to make sure they don’t date before college. Actually, this may be driven by a fear that they’ll get hurt or waste scarce resources (e.g, time, opportunities) when you think their priorities should be on school.
I love my teen so I’m focusing all my energy on them instead of myself. Actually, this may be driven by a fear that you’ll regret not having done more if something doesn’t turn out ideally for your teen.
When you respond that is fear-based, your teen is discouraged from voicing their thoughts and experiences. You may want to rush in and solve a problem so our teen doesn’t have to suffer. When this happens, your teen gets the message that their suffering is intolerable for you. They will likely resort to protecting you and may slowly shut you out to shield you from their pain.
1. Identify your fears
Fear is so deeply rooted in our subconscious that we don’t realize it’s there unless we pause and take time to self-reflect to gain awareness. Thoughts like “What will the teacher/other child’s parents/school principal think of me and my daughter? or “I’m a bad parent since my child acts this way” reveal the underlying fearful motivation behind what you do to prevent these judgements from coming true.
Perhaps you have a fear of not being in control, a fear of being rejected, or a fear of the unknown. One way to identify your fears are to first ask what makes you upset. Once these fears are identified, you’ll be more mindful of how you respond to your teen’s decisions and behavior.
I’m feeling upset. What is scaring me right now?
What do I fear is the worst that could happen?
How do you think others will respond if you don’t do something? Will they think you’re a bad person? Will they be mad at you? Will they judge you?
What are you telling them to do so that you don’t feel discomfort?
2. Reflect on how you are responding to avoid fears
When we are faced with fear, our mind will respond in ways that are trying to get us to safety. This can include lecturing your teen about why dating in high school is distracting, keeping a very close eye on their homework, or spending all your time thinking about how you can get them to the best college. Your attempts to avoid your fear of failure, fear or regret comes through by preventing your teen from doing the same.
Based on the fears you’ve identified, take a moment to pause and reflect if your current responses are serving your relationship with your teen. How do you try to avoid them when you sense a problem arise that will threaten your safety away from it? You can use the following characteristics to evaluate your current responses in how love or fear based they are:
Love-based responses are rooted in: strength, curiosity, trust, compassion, potential, resilience, opportunity, flexibility, capability, motivation, solutions, hope, empowerment
Fear-based responses are rooted in: uncertainty, powerlessness, worry, mistrust, incapability, control, helplessness, deficit
3. Reframe your perspective through love
All feelings provide data, and from the data we can derive a story. They can tell us what is going on underneath the surface and from there, we can change our behavior. We can invite new emotions and make way for more positive and healthy choices in our our relationships. Now that you are aware of what a love-based response is rooted in, you can start slowly shifting your response to come from a place of trust, compassion and curiosity instead.
Think of a recent interaction with your teen that may have upset you. Take yourself through the following prompt questions in your journal, on your morning walk or before bed.
I am fearful of feeling:
Without these fears, I would feel:
How is my teen activating this fear?
How does my reaction lack trust, compassion or curiosity?
What would happen if I decided to place more trust, compassion, curiosity into the situation?
How can I respond differently the next time this happens again?
This change will not happen overnight! Be patient and compassionate with yourself in changing years and years of fears that are deeply rooted in your subconscious. However, practice makes perfect, and the more you become aware of your responses, the more mindful you can be to act slightly differently each time.
Question of the Week:
For the dinner table, car ride, or whenever you get to sit down with your teen
When was the last time you felt upset about how someone treated you? What about the incident made you feel upset?
Reflection of the Week:
A moment for yourself to slow down, reflect, and Cherish
What is a behavior in your relationship with your partner or friend that makes you feel uncomfortable? Why does it make you feel uneasy or nervous?
About Cherish
We know being a parent can be tough - and it’s even tougher as your kids hit their teenage years. That’s why we created Cherish to support you each step of the way! Cherish combines research and empathetic support through 1:1 coaching, curated parent circles, and personalized content to help you develop the skills, awareness, and community needed to parent confidently. Ready to start your journey with us? Check out our 1:1 coaching here.
For more information, check out our early access page.
P.S. We’d love your feedback! Take this 1 min survey to help us improve our newsletter.