Do you know what most teens wish their parents would do more often?
The Cherish Parenting Newsletter Issue #20
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Are you really interested in your teen as a person? Sometimes, between the day-to-day chaos and trying to keep your teen on track, we forget to actually get to know the person our teen is becoming. That’s why so many teens complain that their parents “never listen to them” or that their parents “don’t care”. While of course you care about them and want to listen, it’s possible that we’re not listening in a way that makes them feel heard. In order to stay close with your teen and have a strong relationship, one important skill is to make an effort to consciously stay curious.
💪🏻 Why curiosity?
Studies show that curiosity is a key part of productive communication and emotional closeness. In fact, people feel closer after even just one curios conversation. When it comes to interacting with your teen, curiosity is critical because:
Curiosity helps your teen feel heard - instead of assuming you know their thoughts, intent, and emotions, being curious about their experience invites them to share more of themself with you. One of the most common complaints from teens is that their parents "never listen". And by that, the truly mean simply being shown they are interesting and loved enough to be listened to... not that they always have to get their way.
Curiosity helps you stay attuned to your teen - as much as we think we know our teen, they are going through a period of rapid transitions that impact their attitudes, wishes, opinions and ideas. Being curious about their current thinking gives them space to reinvent themselves as they grow into who they want to be.
Curiosity curbs your anxiety - being curious requires you to be in the moment, which is an antidote to anxiety. When you're able to be curious about your teen's actions, decisions, and behaviors, you are creating a moment of mindfulness that allows you to choose how you'd like to respond next. The same is true for your own behaviors and feelings; when we're curious about our own actions, we're creating more mindful awareness and getting to better know ourselves. So instead of reacting out of anger or anxiety next time your teen is throwing a tantrum and being so rude... get curious!
Curiosity invites curiosity... and happiness - wish your teen cared more about how you feel and what you think? Being curious about them models how to care for someone's thoughts and feelings. Better yet, the more you practice curiosity, the more curious and engaged you grow because curiosity triggers a dopamine response in your brain. So, even by trying to be curious, you're improving your mood and strengthening your relationship with your teen!
💪🏻 The art of curiosity is surprisingly difficult
So why aren't we all more curious? Well, first off, more than a decade into raising your child, there is a lot you already know about them. So it's easy to fall into patterns of assuming you know how they'll react and what they like. Plus, when we're time-pressed to guide them towards the things we think will help them lead happy, successful lives, we can grow goal oriented and forget to leave space for their opinions and feelings too. Lastly, most of us weren't raised with people being curious about us! In a world obsessed with accomplishments and productivity, curiosity can feel frivolous. It's hard to ask curious questions when we don't know what it sounds like.
So, to get started practicing more curiosity towards your teen, here are a few tips:
Listen to understand, not steer - practice asking questions without an agenda or intention to teach. If you're uncertain about your agenda, check whether you have an answer you wouldn't like to hear to your question... that typically means you had an agenda or a "right answer" in mind. When you're listening to understand, you should be willing to dig deeper into the answer that comes instead of correcting them or shifting them towards a different answer.
Reflect their answers to make sure you've got it - we often add new meaning to what we hear based on our own experiences. That can sometimes lead to misunderstandings. To show your teen you're listening and to confirm you're understanding, try reflecting back to them, "So what I'm hearing you say is .... did I get that right?"
Don't assume - Have a common area of conflict? Try checking if you're making any assumptions about your teen or their behaviors. For example, if you're fighting a lot about video games, you may assume that they're playing to avoid homework or that they like their online friends more than hanging out with real life friends. Unless they shared this with you, it's an assumption about their inner world! Check if your hypothesis is right by asking them... and make sure you don't talk yourself out of asking because you assume you know how they'll react to what you want to ask or what they'll say. Ask it anyway and be open to surprises!
Suspend judgement - being able to ****distance yourself from your own judgement about what your teen is sharing is critical. Imagine treating the conversation as if you're meeting this person for the first time and they're from a different world, so even your own "norms" may not necessarily apply to them. Teens are naturally sensitive to judgement, and may shut down at the first sign of feeling ridiculed. Head into a curious conversation with a warm, inviting, and interested tone. Use your reflection skills (#2) to show them you're actively listening, not being stuck in your head about what you want to "teach them" after they're done talking.
Ask open-ended question - open ended questions tend to begin with How? Why? In what way? What? and can't be answered with yes/no or one word answers. Though, "Why" questions can come off interrogative when asked with a judgmental tone (e.g, "Why did you do that?"). One simple trick is to replace it with a "What" question that tries to better understand their thinking (e.g, "What helped you decide this was the best solution for this situation?"). The opposite of open ended questions are close ended questions, which focus on soliciting information and typically start with Are? Do? Who? When? Where? Which?.
Use small, specific follow up questions - sometimes, really broad questions can be hard to answer too. So instead of asking "How was your day?", try a more specific question like "What was the funniest part of your day today?". If you opened with a broad question and your teen provides a short answer, you can follow up to dig deeper with, "Yeah? What else I'd really like to know" to keep the conversation going.
Lean into discomfort with curiosity - be mindful if you ever feel uncomfortable with what they're sharing with you. That's when defensiveness and judgement can flare. When you catch it, you can practice curiosity towards yourself (e.g, "Hm, why am I feeling this way right now?") and them (e.g, "wow, I had no idea you were going through that. I'm so sorry. Can you tell me more about what it was like for you?")
Make it a habit - being curious can really feel unnatural and awkward. Keep at it by setting an intentional daily practice like "each night at dinner, I'll start with one curious question" or "each time my teen shares something with me about their day, I'll ask 3 curious questions". You may be surprised how quickly you grow into the habit of being curious!
❤️ More things we Cherish
If you have 1 minute - Check out Rememory, a family conversation game where you draw one card from each of three decks (who, when, and prompt), then share what memory the cards bring up for you.
If you have 5 minutes - An interesting read about new research from Harvard that shows the impact of spanking on brain development in children. This is one of the many examples of how trauma impacts our brains; read more about what traumatic stress looks like in teens (and no, it doesn't always have to start with a big, bad event!).
Deeper dive - Do you practice good emotional first-aid? We're enjoying this TED talk from Dr. Guy Winch about the favoritism we show the body over the mind, and why we should teach our children about emotional hygiene.
What do you Cherish? Share a tip, story, or question you may have around parenting teens with us by replying to this email!
About Cherish
Cherish combines research and empathetic support in the form of 1:1 parent coaching, curated parent circles, and personalized content to help parents develop the skills, awareness, and community needed to parent confidently. We know being a parent can be tough - and it’s even tougher as your kids hit their teenage years. That’s why we created Cherish to support you each step of the way!
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