4 ways you can support your teen struggling with anxious thoughts
Learning to identify their triggers, focusing on their physical response and befriending anxiety instead of wishing it away
📝 Editor’s Note
This month, we’re focusing on how to have a better understanding of anxiety in the way it affects your teen, yourself and your relationship with them. Unfortunately during the unprecedented times we are currently living through, our teens have been required to worry, analyze and plan about situations that haven’t really occurred before. Now, teens think the large amount of stress and anxiety they feel isn’t a big deal. They internalize the experience instead and often do not say anything to avoid raising red flags. When teens are not given genuine support to fighting anxious thoughts that feel exhausting and isolating, it can be very harmful and increase their risk of depression and suicide. The more we learn about and understand their internal experience, the more we can empathize and make it easier for them to seek help.
We believe the first step is to address misconceptions that surrounding teen anxiety and how you can provide an alternative response to support their journey.
Myth #1: My teen just needs to grow up and learn to face reality
Truth is: Director of Program for Anxiety Disorders at the Yale Child Study Center, Dr. Eli Lebowitz, describes anxiety to be a natural system within our body that keeps us safe from possible threats and dangers. It is counter evolutionary to ignore these triggers, but paying too much attention to imagined threats, ascribing more negative value to negative events is when it starts disrupting your daily routine.
What your teen needs to learn are coping strategies to discern which “what if” scenarios and negative thoughts they should pay close attention to, and how to soothe themselves when they start feeling the anxiety overtake them. To start modeling productive coping mechanisms for your teen, try identifying your own anxious responses and seeing which strategies are helpful for adjusting the emotion and solving or preventing the problem. These can include:
Taking a break from news and social media
Questioning the worst case scenario and what you can do to cope
Taking a moment to pause and do deep breathing
Establishing healthy boundaries
Listening to music and take a walk
Myth #2: It is important to avoid stress and situations that will make you feel “anxious”
Truth is: When you treat your teen as if they are fragile and help them avoid risk, it actually reinforces the magnitude of what they fear. As your teen grows up, there will be more triggering situations and it will be unrealistic and unhealthy to avoid them. The key is identifying their triggers like conflict, social events, caffeine, or even a song that reminds them of a painful memory. Then, preparing and practicing ways to manage their responses in the moment that will allow them to feel safe. This will empower them to know that anxious thoughts do not control them, but rather they are in control of what that thought means to them.
Myth #3: Stop thinking anxious thoughts to not be anxious
Truth is: Due to the nature of anxiety, there is no way one can “think” their way out of it. The more you tell yourself not to think about something, the more you will keep thinking about it (imagine trying to drive your car out of sticky mud)! Turning to focus on changing your physical responses can be much more effective. When you’re in a state of anxiousness, your sympathetic nervous system remains on alert, ready to fire the fight-or-flight stress response. Once you start behaving in a way that tells your mind and body you are safe, you encourage your parasympathetic nervous system to be in a relaxing state instead. From here, your body will start feeling calmer and self-assured to think and act more clearly.
Practice these these strategies with your teen that will tell their body they’re okay and can handle the situation the next time they feel anxious:
The 4-7-8 breathing technique of inhaling with your nose for 4 secs, holding for 7 secs, and exhaling with your mouth for 8 secs.
Writing down in a journal or notes app about what’s making them anxious - the unfiltered thoughts that’s telling them they aren’t or won’t be okay. Getting it out of their head can make the problem seem less daunting.
Imagine the thought to be a floating cloud and just observe it pass by. Give yourself space to decide how you want to respond to the thought rather than react to it.
Myth #4: If they get into a normal routine and become more certain about their life, their anxiety will go away
Truth is: When you wish the anxiety to go away, the resistance to accept and work with your teen can create a sense of guilt and shame around how they are in the present. While getting into a routine of healthy eating, exercise, good sleep hygiene does wonders for your mental health, there will be ups and downs of feeling okay. The important message to share with your teen is that bad days are temporary and there are ways to get through these uncomfortable feelings. It doesn’t make them weak to feel anxious. By befriending their anxiety, learning more about their symptoms, and what responses works better for them, will set them up to face difficulties in the future confidently.
This can mean having a better relationship with your own anxious tendencies first. You can explore this idea by naming your anxiety as an imaginary friend that comes to visit occasionally. Instead of identifying with the thoughts, seeing it as another “person” allows you to distance yourself from the anxious thinking and identify the pattern playing out.
An imaginary conversation with “Nancy” can go something like this.
Situation: You made a mistake on an important deliverable at work.
Anxious thought: “I’m so stupid, I’m going to get fired for this.”
Your response: “Hey Nancy, welcome back! I see you noticed I messed up on that work assignment today. I appreciate you popping in to check on me. The thing is that mistake was actually more minor than you think. I’ve done some great work recently, too, so don’t worry about it!”
Question of the Week:
For the dinner table, car ride, or whenever you get to sit down with your teen
Were there moments this week when you felt stuck in your head? How do you talk to yourself when this happens?
Reflection of the Week:
A moment for yourself to slow down, reflect, and Cherish
How can you be more accepting and compassionate towards your feelings of anxiety?
About Cherish
We know being a parent can be tough - and it’s even tougher as your kids hit their teenage years. That’s why we created Cherish to support you each step of the way! Cherish combines research and empathetic support through 1:1 coaching, curated parent circles, and personalized content to help you develop the skills, awareness, and community needed to parent confidently. Ready to start your journey with us? Check out our 1:1 coaching here.
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