4 ways you can guide your teen through conflict with their friends
Why conflict with their friends can actually strengthen their character and development of communication skills
Pew Research found that 72% of social media-using girls and 64% of boys encountered drama on platforms like Instagram, Snapchat and TikTok. Nowadays, conflict between friends shows up in the form of commenting instigative messages, unfriending, blocking, or deleting photos of a former friend on social media. What do you do if you want to protect your teen from these fights?
Why conflict is helpful for your teen’s development
Dr. Honora Einhorn, social worker and behavioral therapist, explains that conflict “supports teens in navigating differences, learning to manage and effectively communicate difficult emotions, developing moral frameworks, and building social skills and competency like empathy." When faced with a disagreement, teens have the opportunity to try and recognize their feelings, communicate them, and express what they need. These are essential socio-emotional skills they need in order to have healthy relationships.
When you notice your teen in conflict with their friends, we encourage you to see it as a space for learning and to focus on building up their socio-emotional skills (excluding instances of bullying). This looks like helping them name feelings, practice communicating them, and being a sounding board for ideas on resolution (if your teen asks).
This week, we’re sharing 4 ways you can guide your teen in navigating conflict with their friends and peers.
1. Share about your friendship experiences
When you start noticing your teen has made some friends whom they hangout with regularly at school and/or outside of school, it’s a good time to start sharing about positive friendship behaviors. Before your teen tells you they’re going through a rough patch with their friends, you can start the conversation about the qualities of a good friend, and stories of your positive or negative experiences with your friends. This will give your teen a baseline idea of the behaviors they should and shouldn’t accept from others. Avoid starting this conversation with “When I was your age...”, instead ask them how they like to maintain and experience friendships, then give examples of your own.
2. Be open to different approaches to a resolution
If your teen wants to keep working on the friendship and not walk away just yet, this is a chance to think through different approaches together to problem solve the situation. Be mindful that you will be hurt and upset at seeing your teen getting wronged, and to not use those emotions to be forceful and push for a response that won’t promote resolution.
Let’s say your teen has a friend who makes a lot of negative comments about your teen’s appearance gets away with it because your teen isn’t clearly saying they don’t like it. Start the discussion by asking “What are some new ways you can communicate to your friend that you don’t like these comments?” Some possible options include:
Walking away without comment
Being assertive and saying “You know I actually feel really uncomfortable and hurt when you comment about my outfit in that tone.”
Surprising the friend and telling them how good they feel in the outfit
3. Encourage they set boundaries for themselves
Boundaries are a way of keeping the right treatment in and the wrong treatment out of our personal space. It is a form of self-care that can keep our feelings and well-being a priority. In order to know what their boundaries should be, your teen needs to slowly observe their own reactions to different actions from others. Some teens may not be as affected by jokes as much, while others may really need words of affirmation to feel accepted. Some need more alone time to focus on their own interests, while others prefer to always be around friends.
Use these questions to spark the conversation and get their wheels turning:
How do you feel when someone doesn’t respect your feelings?
What are some things your friends do to/for you that makes you feel cared for?
What are some activities you like to do that help you feel okay?
When a friend makes you upset, what are some reasons why they make you feel that way?
4. Equipping them with assertive communication skills
Sometimes your teen might believe ignoring the conflict will make it go away, because why talk about something that makes you feel uncomfortable? However, communicating your feelings and needs clearly is one of the most important tools of conflict resolution. The key is to share what is on your mind without being aggressive, so that the other person will be open to listening. This looks like:
Sticking to factual descriptions of what they’ve done, rather than using negative labels or words that convey judgments.
Instead of: "You’re so rude!", Say "We were supposed to meet at 12:30, but now it’s 1:20."
Use I-messages to focus more on how you are feeling and how you are affected by their behavior, rather than a judgement or attack that you-messages send
“Next time, I’d like it if you met me at the time that we agreed on.”
Use the XYZ formula: “When you do (X- their behavior), then (Y- results of their behavior), and I feel (Z- how you feel)”lets the other person know how their behavior affects you in a direct, but non-attacking way.
“When you are late, then I can’t spend as much time with you, and I feel sad about that and wish my time could be respected.”
Question of the Week:
For the dinner table, car ride, or whenever you get to sit down with your teen
How does being in conflict with your friends feel?
Reflection of the Week:
A moment for yourself to slow down, reflect, and Cherish
What are some boundaries I need to set with my friends to strengthen our friendship?
About Cherish
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