3 mindset shifts for when you're fighting with your teen...again
Sometimes fighting with your teen doesn't have to be so stressful if you try shifting your perspective about what having conflict means
The teenage phase is known for being the time that parents fight the most with their children. They think it's OK to be on TikTok with all their spare time; you’d rather they participate in a school extracurricular activity.
Adolescence is an adjustment period of you and your teen when you’re learning to trust and let go, while they’re trying to develop their own identity. As your teen changes and grows into this new person who wants to make their own decisions, you find yourself having a difficult time adjusting. Your teen is frustrated because they feel you don’t respect them and aren't giving them space to do what they like. On the other hand, you are upset because you aren't used to not being in control or disagree with their decisions.
If you’re feeling tired and burnt out from constantly having tension with your teen, know that you can disrupt the cycle and shift the way you communicate and relate to your teen. This week we’re sharing 3 mindset shifts to reflect upon that will help lessen the tension in your home.
1. They’re struggling through a rough patch
Instead of: Assuming they don’t want to connect with you
Try: Getting curious about the rough patch they are going through
Imagine your teen as a 2-year-old having a meltdown over candy because they’re tired. Crying and throwing a tantrum is their way of expressing they’re upset and don’t know how to deal with the uncomfortable emotions. Translate that to present day. Arguing is their way of dealing with something deeper down that is bothering them, not necessarily about not wanting to do the dishes. Instead of focusing on the arguing, try getting curious about what might be bothering them that is triggering a heated response. When you’re able to take a moment of peace time for yourself and have separated your emotions from the issue, think about the questions you can ask to start this conversation like “It sounds like you’re really upset and we’re struggling to talk about this in a calm way. Is there something else that is bothering you that is making you feel upset?”
2. They’re inspired at their intellectual growth
Instead of: Thinking they are trying to be a smart aleck
Try: Appreciating the intellectual growth they’ve made
When your teen was a child, they used to think you were Google and knew everything. They were amazed by all the knowledge you had. This is because younger children can only focus on literal ideas and don’t have the cognitive ability to look at the bigger picture and judge logical consistency. Once they become teenagers, they start to discover and want to experiment more with their new-found abilities to reason and think more abstractly. They’re trying out these abilities when arguing and it may boost their confidence when they “out reason” you. Although it can feel frustrating in the moment, when you can take a step back to understand why they’re doing so, it can help you appreciate how much they’re cognitively growing.
3. They’re learning about conflict communication and resolution
Instead of: Wanting the fighting to stop completely
Try: Seeing it as an opportunity to build conflict communication and resolution skills with them
Conflict in relationships are healthy because it provides a space to understand the other person better, and provides a signal that there needs to be a change in communication. Although conflict isn’t comfortable to go through, when you come out the other side learning more about your teen, it gives you more ground to connect with them. There probably isn’t a better “practice field” for your teen to experiment and start developing healthy conflict communication and resolution. You have the opportunity to use your home as a place to model fair and respectful ways to speak when feeling misunderstood. One simple way to start is “mirroring” — to repeat back and “reflect” what you heard the other say in an attempt to clarify the meaning. This helps to keep the message from being misinterpreted. The goal is to understand the other’s perspective without defending your own position. This would sound like “I hear that you feel frustrated” instead of “You are so frustrating” or “Why are you so ANGRY?”
Question of the Week:
For the dinner table, car ride, or whenever you get to sit down with your teen
How does being in conflict with someone close to you make you feel?
Reflection of the Week:
A moment for yourself to slow down, reflect, and Cherish
Do you believe conflict is good or bad for relationships? Why do you have this belief?
About Cherish
We know being a parent can be tough - and it’s even tougher as your kids hit their teenage years. That’s why we created Cherish to support you each step of the way! Cherish combines research and empathetic support through 1:1 coaching, curated parent circles, and personalized content to help you develop the skills, awareness, and community needed to parent confidently. Ready to start your journey with us? Check out our 1:1 coaching here.
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